Training for Life

the weather though wet at times never really amounted to much this weekend. chalk one up for the weather guessers.

just as i stepped outside this morning around 8:45 it started to drizzle. about 20 minutes into the run it picked up...slightly.....but it died back down and i ran 5 miles relatively unphased by the rain. yesterday i mapped a route from my house. it was pretty much flat with a few gently rolling hills except for one short steep climb at the halfway mark.

i wore a watch this time and the first 2.5 miles took me 25 minutes. i felt like i slowed down a bit on the way back. i sought a "bring it home" song and with the help of Santana picked things up and finished the run in 50 minutes. a shorter but faster sunday run. tired, i walked past my house for a bit until i cooled down.

as i entered the house i was greeted by a haze of smoke wafting from the kitchen. m was cooking...unsupervised. normally, this is the kind of thing that would have me go ballistic. she knows she's not to use the stove without an adult...in her mind there was an adult..... he just happened to be sleeping in the next room.

she made pancake batter from scratch and couldn't figure out why they were burning on the outside and still raw on the inside. i had her open the sliding glass door and i turned on the vent and proceeded to calmly explain that the batter was too thick and needed a little more liquid. the amazing thing about it was i did not raise my voice...not once. i was careful not to go over the top about using the stove unsupervised...yes i did caution her strongly but i didn't yell. i then proceeded to thin out the batter and finished cooking the last few pancakes.

yes, i was annoyed but instead of freaking out i kept a lid on the emotions. a little later i said to her "we've had a pretty peaceful weekend haven't we?" and she replied "actually this has been the best christmas window season ever!" kids are pretty smart....despite the dumb things they do. she's been extremely receptive to my new approach. when she's arguing with me and i give myself a time-out or just keep my cool she's often the one to approach me later contrite and apologetic for her behavior...something never evident when i would yell or engage in an argument.

i'm still going to get irritated, angry and pissed-off...of this i am certain... but i'm also feeling more confident in my ability to not let these feelings escalate and make things worse. i'm in training and consider this early phase similar to when i first started running. it took time to build up to 30 minutes of steady running. i walked alot. nowadays, some of my most enjoyable runs are upwards of 3-4 hours. i never would of imagined that a mere 2 years ago.

our assignment in anger mangement last week was to observe the feeling of anger. in other words when you felt yourself getting mad resist the urge to "do" anything about it. the idea being that feeling angry is ok...it's usually what you "do" that's not okay. they compared the feeling of anger to a wave, like a wave anger rises, crescendos then eventually tapers off. i've often felt compelled to "do" something when i got mad...usually yell.....i was aware of feeling angry, i even counted to 10 sometimes...but i was oblivious to the crescendo and tapering off segments...the anger felt unending because i tend to fan the flame.

i was swept up in the crescendo portion and then would further escalate the situation by catastrophizing...feeding the angry feelings with thoughts like..."she's being disrespectful, if i let her get away with this she'll....., or at work, "their jerking me around, they have no respect for my time or effort, 'why is this person still on caseload, their so unmotivated........." dumping fuel to the fire so to speak.

i thought the whole wave crescendo taper thing was a crock of shit but still i wanted to be open and i knew that i would have opportunity to test the theory. m was happy to oblige the following morning getting ready for school and i made a deal with myself to not yell and just let the feeling of anger wash over me and resist the urge to "do" anything. i felt my heart begin to beat faster, my jaw started to clench as she dilly dallied getting ready i went into the kitchen and made her lunch instead of into her room to move her along and by taking my attention off of her i spared us both alot of drama.

lifestyle changes require time and effort...no quick fixes. right now i can't imagine not getting angry but i can imagine dealing with it differently.

baby steps.

i was talking about learning to swim in my group last week. how difficult it was and how pissed i got when my swim instructor suggested that it wasn't the end of the world if i couldn't participate in the tri4fun. while the instructors words were most likely an attempt to help take off some self-imposed pressure ...the implication that maybe i couldn't learn to swim in time for my race just pissed me off and made me work harder at it. and it paid off. proof that not all of my anger is necessarily unhelpful.

face it. i'm never going to be that nice quiet calm girl. i'm latin, intense and i feel things deeply. but that's not to say some changes aren't in order. change is hard and tedious. progress is sure to fluctuate....setbacks are inevitable. but i commit to show up everyday and that is half the battle.

i'm pretty certain i will always have to "manage" my anger, that i'll never be completly anger free...like chronic pain. i will fill my life with activities and interests to take the edge off. if training for tris this summer has taught me anything it's taught me to appreciate the need for small consistent effort that builds slowly over time. a couple of years ago i just wanted to lose some weight. the weight of which i write about now is so much harder by comparison. but i think the same principles apply.

Old, Fat and Slow

This is exactly how I feel after this morning's tempo run.....if you could even call it a tempo run...probably more of a fartlek....except it felt more like speed-hell than speed-play.

ugh.

On a more positive note, I had a great run at lunchtime on Wednesday. I worked on my day off and hadn't run since Sunday so I knew I had to fit it in somehow. I ran for an hour....as usual not sure of the distance but I found a not-too-busy street that linked up with the canal trail which intersected with the busiest street in all of Concord but it wasn't so bad. You don't see many runners around my work place...more moms pushing strollers.....I got alot of stares.

The weather is suppose to turn quite foul over the next 24 hours so I'm glad I got my run in before the storm hits.

Sunday Run

i love sunday runs. t and m are still asleep when i fix the coffee and go about getting ready. i usually don't know where i'll be going and will log onto the computer or refer to one of my local trail guide books for inspiration. sunday runs are restorative in nature. there usually my longer and hillier runs but their also slow...sometimes i'm gone for 3 to 4 hours. and i often leave the watch at home.

the weather took a turn for the better over the last 48 hours and it is was gorgeous today. i noticed a few new pains in my foot as i got ready for my run. a weird sharp burning sensation on the top of my left foot. i didn't give it too much attention. it didn't last too long and was a non-issue during the run. though i noticed a lesser version of it again later when i returned home. circulation problems?

sunday morning slow long run routine.

coffee
oatmeal
water

3 gu paks to put in hydration pak
set-up hydration

layed out the night before:

clothing options
socks
shoes
gus
2 14 0z bottles gatorade
hydro-waist pack
small cliff bar
banana
lip balm

notice something missing from this list?

NO watch


i wanted to swim afterwards so i put together my swim bag. i should do this the night before next time

suit
goggles
cap
ear plugs
toiletries

this turned out to be a long morning. i left the house around 8:30 and didn't return until 1:00

the weather was warmer and i reconsidered whether or not i'd need the gloves. i brought them just in case. as i parked my car and started collecting my stuff i realized that i had forgot the clippy case thing for my ipod...ugh..and i was doing so well up to now. i decided to wear the gloves and that this would make it easier holding the ipod....for awhile it worked and it was easier to fast forward or skip a song since it was already in my hand...but then my hands got too warm and i had to figure out a new system.

i wasn't sure what to do with the gloves once i took them off. i first just shoved them in my hydro-waist pak belt...but then i worried that i might lose them...at 25.00 a pair i was concerned...so i shoved them in the teeny tiny zippered compartment of the hydro-pak.

the crosswind up on san pablo dam ridge was strong and i was glad i had applied lip balm...but when i wanted to re-apply it was hard to get to with the gloves shoved into my hydration pak....you see what is happening here right? this means i have to buy that cool bigger hydration waist pack i saw at see jane run when i frugally chose the smaller one i have now.

so i skipped trying fish out my lip balm and had to figure out what to do with the ipod because my hand was beginning to perspire. i tried slipping it down my jog bra...again moisture...so i slipped it in between jog bras. (i'm not busty at all but i feel too jiggly without the second one) this worked ok and i could still fastforward without having to take it out.
so, if you noticed a girl feeling herself up on the san pablo dam ridge today that would be me.

the run: 8-10 miles

i started out on wildcat canyon
rt. on Belgium
belgium turns into
San Pablo Dam Ridge
this eventually intersects with
Nimitz trail: follow back to parking lot and watch for a
a hairpin turn to the right...........

.........this is where i can't recall the rest of the trail names. i know my way and guess it's around an 8-10 miler. it's my 3rd time running this route and today i made it a little longer by taking the longer way back to Little Farm. i'm so ready for Tildens Tough Ten next year.
i never tire of running in this park, there's still so much to explore and learn.

wildcat canyon is basically a wide mostly flat firetrail that runs parallell the san pablo dam ridge

belgium is the hilly connector between wildcat and san pablo dam ridge

san pablo dam ridge meanders high above open cattle fields...
(one of the cows was so cute, it remided me of a big puppy. a big yellow lab puppy) i'm pretty sure i was hallucinating. by this point i had the beginnings of a dull headache that would last the rest of the run......i must've got dehydrated...the cool crosswinds were deceiving and i didn't drink as often as i needed to.

nimitz is a 4 mile paved trail

the end of the nimitz turns back to dirt and the hairpin turn takes you down into the valley, turn right and your down in 10 minutes
go left add another 10.
there both fairly steep descents in parts throughout....go right and it's an immediate drop...i chose to delay more knee pounding and went left. it starts fairly flat and gradually descends...though the bottom portion fucks with you a bit.

can't really afford to be as careless as i have been about taking supplements...most of my pill popping is in the form of ibuprofen. i use to carry my vitamins in my oversized hand bag when i was training this summer...i was better about taking stuff when i carried it around with me. towards the end of the summer i got out of the habit.

a short swim afterwards made all the difference in my recovery this afternoon...the pool at the Y runs on the cool side. normaly i'd complain about this but not today. i swam maybe 15-20 minutes, i took longer to prepare to swim than to actually swim but it still was a great way to come off the run. i sat in the jacuzzi for a few minutes and then hit the steam bath before heading back home.

we grabbed a bite to eat at Picante and then picked up a christmas tree. M and i will take our time decorating over the next few days. she's already banged out a couple of ginger bread houses.

i'd like to ask for a digital camera for christmas. i have to buy a second set of pictures on disk in order to use bloggers picasso to post pictures (which is probably not the most efficient way to go about it but it's all i know) ...i've put off the whole digital camera thing because of expense and lack of expertise. though it looks like their more affordable and user friendly these days.

a change of scenery

early in my career i spent alot time "facility hopping" in order to get hours. it was fun breezing in and out of buildings. none of the baggage associated with working with the same difficult pts. for too long. no office politics. traveling suited me fine. the only drawback was not knowing where i'd be working that day and not having a consistent paycheck....which became an issue once we decided to buy a house. i was offered a full time position right after we entered escrow and i've been at my building ....the same building...... for nearly 4 years ....a mortgage will make you do some crazy ass shit.

i worked at a different building this week and it was a welcomed change of scenery. i had a chance to work with "new" patients in a nicer setting and while the work was essentially the same i think working with a new batch of folks made it more interesting. i had to orient myself to a whole new caseload and for the first time in awhile i wasn't bored.....or frustrated. i'll be working there again for two weeks this month. so, while lastweek i was convinced that my job and i needed to break-up, i think were just gonna start seeing other people. lol.

wednesday morning was spent at the Y. first yoga and then weights . i was pretty conservative (or so i thought) kept things on the light side...10# hand weights and then 10# plus the wt. of the bar to do lunges....sore quads the next day reminded to avoid this before any long runs. i still haven't used my massage gift certificate. what's wrong with me!

went for a 45 minute run this morning.....i got too late of a start though and was rushed the rest of the day....but it was soooo worth it. i've been ditching the 6:30 track sessions...i'm a weeny when it's too cold.

i'm not even going to complain about how freakin cold it's been around the bay area lately. i'm a spoiled californian and anything below 60 degrees is well..... just nutz!! while some of y'all will be busting out the yak traks and snow gear enthusiatically. ..you'll find me heading towards the nearest dreadmill.

dressing for cooler weather is always a guessing game for me. lastnight i bought a pair of long asic running pants and some gloves. i was worried because the pants seemed too thin and i wasn't convinced that the gloves were worth the expense. luckily, they along with a long sleeved tech shirt turned out to be just the right amount layering for this mornings chilly run.

i went to my first anger management class this week. it's no coincidence that i signed up for this course during the holidays. ....don't know why i hadn't thought of it before. quite a few folks are there on their own accord...like me. some others were forced by there job or court ordered. some have gone through silmilar courses and are there for "maintenence". for the most part people seem sincere and want to be there.....with the exception of the guy i happened to be sitting next to. he ranted for 5 minutes about the jerks at work and that he was basically being punished. hopefully he'll chill the fuck out and get something out the experience.

at the end of class we were given a reading assignment and asked to complete one anger log during the week. i immediately thought "yeah right, just one?"

Are you connecting with the world around you?

"You cannot hope to build a better world without improving individuals"

i received this email today ....a Spark healthy reflection.......and it got me thinking about work and my ambivilent feelings. i was drawn to occupational therapy(ot) for the "can do" spirit of it. i get to help and work with people to reach goals of independence.

i believe in that old saying "give a man a fish feed him for a day, teach him to fish feed him for life"...most ot practitioners do.

realistic aknowledgement of limitations with an on emphasis on abilities and compensatory strategies make up the bulk of what i try to do everyday with my patients. it's great......... in theory.

getting old is not for sissies......the hard truth is the people i work with are among some of the most fearful...and rightly so. my patients report being most afraid of:



falling
going blind
loss of hearing
loss of sight
loss of bowel and bladder control
loss of independence
inability to eat normal textured food or drink thin liquids
inability to care for another family member
being in the way
failing
dying
living too long
pain
dementia
all of the above

it's a challenging population to work with to say the least. professionally and personally.

professionally i feel good about the work i do when i'm able to "connect" and see that an individual is at least invested enough to make an effort.....the slightest indication that they want and believe they can do for themselves.....because that's half the battle....i will give 100% to that persons rehab experience. despite being, scared,weak,in pain or tired. their invested in the notion that if they do their part things will get better.

personally i credit the population that i serve with motivating me to get off my ass and start taking better care of myself. seeing first hand how very wrong things can go when health and strength give way to disease and weakness. all of my patients are a wake up call everyday to be thankful for the abilities i have and to thrive to not just exist. still, it's hard and i wake up in a bad mood more than i care to admit some days.


about 30% of my patients make an effort. their pleasant, (often pleasantly confused) but sweet and cooperative. they have good days and bad days and sometimes need a pep talk to get going but in general are motivated. the other 70% aren't so sweet or cooperative. i've never been particulary skilled at handling difficult pts...i do ok ...up to a point...but then my patience wears thin with the daily ritual of coaxing a person into working on whatever it is that landed them in rehab in the first place. sometimes my skin is too thin and i take it personally when i shouldn't.

i've been accused of pushing too hard. never by a boss or peers but by patients.......it's funny how the ones who bitch the most do the least and the troopers just plug along....not w/o complaint but they do what they have to do to get home

i think like alot of people in my profession i entered in with the desire to help people help themselves. . more of my time is spent on trying to tap into whatever is meaningful to the individual and when a person has lost hope or even desire it's all up hill.....and Big Bertha is a cake walk in comparison.

i like to think that this path that i'm on will lead me to a greater capacity for compassion. getting fit and striving to thrive and not just exist has given me hope and desire. i am very attached to the theory of occupational therapy.....helping others help themselves... the question is whether or not i have the capacity to give unconditionally. it's easy to serve cooperative patients but then there's that other 70% to consider. the majority, void of hope that need from me what is most difficult to give. non-judgement and compassionate detachment.

so how do i go about it? how do i remain true to the plan of care, goal driven within the medical model i work in and at the same time remain non-judgmental and compassionate independent of outcomes...in an outcome focused industry?

now that's the million dollar question.

silly and hilly

except for last weeks race i haven't hit the hills much. in fact my running has been on roads moreso lately in preparation for my feb road race. i headed over to strawberry this morning feeling sluggish and not too motivated yet grateful for the chance to run without time constraints because T is off today.

I pondered ...briefly...running a double but decided to wait and see how i felt. the first half was uneventful..... just keep moving forward...i even stopped for second or two once i reached the top of Big Bertha....the nasty bitch that she is.... always has to have the last word. onward towards grizzly peak. around this time things started to get better and i felt light on my feet....finally!
it's usually only after some serious climbing that the endorphins decide to show up!

i was sure that i wouldn't be doing a double today but i did veer off to the right of the main trail and did some more hill work. at the base of hill i usually assess the situation , looking for the top ...only then...once i've commited i keep my head down and don't stop till i've reached the top. i was rewarded with a pretty nice view of the oakland, alameda, and the san francisco skyline....cool, gray and windy....which was fine by me cuz these hills were frying my ass.

i looped back around towards the main trail, as i did so i noticed a small fire truck ambling it's way down the face of another steep hill.....i couldn't even see the top of that sucker...for a minute i contemplated how ridiculous i would look trying to run up the face of this thing....perhaps another day. instead i turned left and proceeded to fly down the rest of the way...i even practiced a little fast backwards action on Big Bertha.

all in all this was a good solid run with hills. building up to more consecutive days running is coming along. my joints are achey though and i should get to the pool this week and use my massage gift certicate!

Blogging for myself

lately i've been wrestling with a few things. things that are personal and not so easy to think about much less write about. this blog was initially a place to record my attempts at running. a place to record my efforts and get some feedback from others who happened upon my site. like the running, the need to write has evolved too. the need to "get out" the thoughts bottled up has been growing, yet i've often felt too self conscious to share all of me here.

the holidays do have a tendency to get me in a reflective mood...sometimes good .....sometimes not so good. it was good to get together with folks this week, folks i would otherwise avoid. why? i guess a little goes a long way, and limiting get togethers to once or twice a year suits me fine.

i called my sister in arizona earlier in the week, we have a strained relationship at best. still i feel compelled to keep in touch....despite all of it's one-sidedness. I listened to her complain about my cousins wayward teenager for over an hour. sadly, this was the bulk of our conversation and i didn't feel anymore connected than i did the last time i spoke to her this summer.

while preparing empanadias my brother from utah called my mom on her cell phone and she stepped out onto the deck to talk. later after the call, she passed along his "have a nice thanksgiving".....we're not so close either. my mom has these seperate relationships with each of us. it's always been that way.

as for my husbands family despite their quirks and general oddness...they really seem to enjoy one anothers company and define the meaning of family. M will have a healthier outlook on family gatherings as a result of them too. three hours of intense family time is a small price to pay just for that alone.

so, back to the earlier feelings i've been wrestling with. i've been toying with the idea that maybe there are alternative ways to deal with stress. to say i'm an impatient person would be a gross understatement. i'm generally a fast paced person (except when i run), i want things done yesterday and can not for the life of me understand why hell other people don't get it. needless to say this pace doesn't always serve me well. i butt heads...alot...with everyone.

next week i'm starting an anger management class (AMC).

the only redeeming aspect of this is that NO it wasn't court appointed, i'm doing it under my own volition. i'm tired of being a slave to my emotions and generally pissed off at everyone all the time. i attended the AMC orientation a month ago and the facilitator said a few things that never in my 40 odd years occured to me. she said that anger sometimes can be a manifestation of another feeling all together. the idea that i use anger to express other feelings never really occurred to me. i am intrigued. this concept alone has knocked me off my self righteous high horse.

it's funny because i don't think of myself as an angry person. i am quite capable of finding delight in some really mundane shit. i think a big source of dissatisfaction stems from my current work environment. like the wrong relationship can bring the worst out in a person, my job, it's like that. we need to break up. which is kind've depressing when i think of all the time invested and the reality that i don't have alot of options......none that i can see at this point. i feel stuck, focusing on limiters and not sure where to start making changes. hopefully the next 10 weeks will shed some light on my inner workings and lead to some answers.

i've opted to close the comment box. i have this tendency to rely on the feedback of others to validate my posts. i often feel "jilted" after putting myself out there only to find "0 comments". suffice it to say that "jilted" feeling has distracted me from the real purpose for writing at all. yes, i've been guilty of "comment envy" which is really the last fucking thing i need. insecure? perhaps, i'm just being honest.

closing the comment box is also another way for me to deal with the preoccupation i have for what others think. too often i am overly concerned about appearances and pay less attention to the stuff that counts. i want to be real here. so why not use a private journol? i take some comfort in knowing a few folks out there check-in from time to time..... you know who you are....i want to feel free to write for the sake of writing, making my thoughts public might or might not strike a familiar cord with some of you....either way this blog along with running has become a part of me. it has the potential to be a valubale tool, unfortunately i've let the lack of comments detract from that fact.

i'm sure the time not spent "editing" my posts might lead to more authentic entries. i'm as equally sure that the time not spent "checking" my blog might actually lead to getting a few more productive things done. for starters, a resume.