i've been struggling with this lately. for the most part i'm pretty aloof with how i look. my job doesn't require that i pay too much attention to fashion or image. my sport while initially spawned by desires of weight loss has evolved into a love of the activity and i tend to focus more on how i feel and how i perform and not so much on how i look when i'm doing it. still, every once in awhile my lofty thoughts drift down to my thighs and buttocks and i cringe over their hugeness.
training alone, i was never self-conscious. i didn't worry about keeping up or looking good. i need to be careful to not let the opportunity to train with others distract me.
when looking at that photo of catra and i on her blog, the thing i noticed first wasn't the amazing green lichen on the summit, nor the beautiful view of misty mountains in the background......but my huge hips, thighs and lack of rack!
when i get like this i immediately consider drastic measures. knowing all the while that any impulsive decisions are unlikely to stick and lead to nonconstructive criticism.....so becoming a vegan ultra runner is not the answer at this time.
it took me a long time to build my running endurance. while weight loss was a motivator, BEING able to run beyond 10 weeks was the bigger picture and i vowed to take the seriously slow steps necessary to ensure that my desire to run would lead to lifetime love affair and not another 10 week fling.
i'm in a pretty good place and hopefully this "distraction" can be seen for what it really is, a shadow of that short, stocky insecure girl that compares herself only to the tallest, the skinniest, the fastest.......funny how that goes.
i just want to eat whatever i want. i don't want to count, measure or plan my meals. fine, but i don't want to live with fat thighs either. a bit of a conundrum you see.
keeping it simple seems like a good place to start. i know i can't just eat whatever i want. i know i need to introduce some structure into my diet. i know it's got to be gradual if it's going to stick.
i've tried various "plans" and they've always ended up badly. they required too much of my limited attention span. not to mention usually lacking in taste or satisfaction. things would be alot easier if i didn't LOVE food that's for sure.
when confronted with the need to change. i have had some success with implementing small ones. the switch from low-fat to non-fat milk. seems small, but one i didn't think i'd ever tolerate. same with low-fat mayo and cheese. i've even flirted with soy products.
i think an important factor in revamping the diet would be to focus less on weight loss and more on performance. sure thinner thighs will look better but they'll make me faster too. problem is being faster is not what motivates me. feeling better, performing better(which isn't the same as being faster) does motivate me. nutritional information is pretty god damned boring, not to mention contradictory and ever changing but when i can put it in the context of "when i eat this, it helps me do this better...."it becomes more meaningful.
so i have an inkling of what might motivate me to change.
okay, enough writhing in agony. time to make some educated choices. time to refocus and see the big picture and stop being so distracted.