Wednesday, May 31, 2006

A Better Day

I got back to yoga today then followed it up with a 40 minute swim 14 laps 2 of which were 50 yds nonstop....woohoo...that's good for me. Then I grocery shopped and afterwards rode the bike in the surrounding hilly neighborhood.........a decent workout overall. I read some blogs earlier and this guy called the Kahuna has had his share of pain as of late. Nevertheless, his attitude is awesome. His recent podcast and latest post totally got my recent attitude out of the crapper. I've been driving myself nuts (and apparently a few others) over some stupid shit, namely what other people will think and essentially letting those opinions really fuck with my head. It occured to me while shopping this morning that I do what I do because it feels great. It's not about being first or looking cool or even making friends. It never has been. At the risk of sounding completely self absorbed it's always been about how great being active makes me feel. Of course when I feel good my family and friends benefit too so obviously it's not only about me but it definitely starts with me.

It seems that ever since I started this tri journey I've exposed some really raw and unpleasant truths about myself. It's painful and I've questioned my sanity on more than one occasion. I know were all subject to mood swings and bouts of low confidence I'm no stranger to either , but putting myself out there has pushed me over to the darkside more than I care to admit.

I'm realizing more than ever the real key to staying fit isn't limited to the number of laps or miles covered but the in the manner in which one covers them. My progress hasn't always been smooth and at times it's downright painful to watch. I've been less than graceful or patient with the pocess and I know this has cost me some ground, but hey I'm still going forward I'm still grateful for every day I can swim, bike and run. I'm grateful for the whatever it is that drives me and grateful for sense to know when I'm being ridiculous. This blog is a great tool, it allows me to vent and ponder. It allows me to express my fears , even if there lame and all in my head. It allows me to shout out and give thanks. It allows me to be me.......... all forms of me............. the good the bad and the ugly.

I'm so glad to be here in this place at this time. I have much to learn and I know that there is a place for me among the world of triathalon. I know someday I'll look back on these humble beginnings and laugh, but in the meantime try not to take myself so seriously..........the serious me isn't much fun to be around.

In many many ways I am a late bloomer and alot of of what I'm experiencing probably should've taken place earlier in my life. But you see, I always played it safe, stuck with the tried and true. I've managed quite skillfully to skirt around the hard stuff and have been content with just getting by. Sure I've had to work hard and my life has had it's share of hard times, but given a choice I tend to gravitate towards the easier path, though signing up for a sprint triathalon in order to learn how to swim might contradict this statement!!

This triathalon is important to me. I never thought in a million years that I would attempt something like this, and so what if it's a only sprint.....that's the beauty of it, a sprint makes it possible for someone like me to even try. The effort, tears, pain and joy are just as real for me as it is for any Ironman. I have to manage my life, my family, my job and myself with as much intention and care. And yes I struggle and it is hard and I bitch and moan. But this thing I'm attempting to do is a big deal for me and at times seems so unobtainable and that's when I get self conscious and give into the worry and doubt. Today I felt so strong in the pool and on the bike. Today I felt like the real me.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Active Weekend

If your looking for a hotel directly on the beach, Best Western's Beach Resort in Monterey is literally yards from the beach, the surf was pretty wild and the winds on Saturday were fierce. We arrived around 3 pm got settled than had a nice dinner at Hula's, a hawaiian grill not too far from the aquarium. Speaking of the aquarium, no trip to Monterey is complete without a visit and we renewed our membership. It was a circus on Sunday but we went back on Monday before we headed back home and it was alot more enjoyable, that giant red octopus is the coolest!

The hotel pool was pretty dinky and I while I managed to get in about 20 minutes of swimming before the kiddies arrived the bulk of my workout took place on the bike and the run.

Right next to the hotel is a path that wind's it's way towards the warf and then onto 17 mile drive. As a motorist you have pay to drive along this scenic route with it's point vistas and swanky homes. As a cyclists the rangers let you roll through and I set out on my longest bike ride ever. I got as far a Pebble Beach before deciding to turn around. The weather was amazing, blue sky for miles and only mild headwinds to deal with . The road starts to narrow quite abit after Pepple Beach which was the reason I turned around and in doing so I turned too tightly and dumped. Surprisingly no one got out of their Mercedes to help! I was fine and got myself up dusted myself off and headed back to the hotel. The bike and I getting are better acquainted, the downhill shifting is better than the uphill? My butt was getting uncomfortable due to my forgetting to pack my bike shorts and I only had my thin running shorts on.
Total ride times: 2.5 hrs with a couple shorts stops total distance 23 miles.

Hanging out on the balcony T noticed a guy on a ski jet, he thought he was search and rescue dude looking for someone, turns out he was support for what appeared to be somebody on a training swim. The water was so choppy and a I stood transfixed on the balcony watching this amazing athlete jam through wave after wave. I can only guess that there was the bike racked somewhere, my vision was occluded from that point but I imagined from the way the swimmer was running out of the water that it was a brick workout. Watching that swimmer in the ocean sure makes swimming in the lake look easy, boring in fact. I'll just be glad when it's behind me. That night I had a nightmare about my swim, my confidence is on the fence again people. Yes, the swimming has improved. No, I will not drown out there but still I'm worried. Worried about being last, worried about people looking at me with pity, people not looking at me out of embarrassment. Uhg! I make myself so crazy! WTF!!!!!

Sunday the winds died down and I got in a long run. This was only the 2nd time I'd ever run on the beach. I have no idea how far I got but I ran slow and steady for 75 minutes. You run alot slower on the sand and I noticed some weird pains in my feet occasionaly, nothing too disturbing but worth mentioning. Saturday morning before we hit the road I did an interval workout, so this slow jog on the beach was a perfect follow-up run. I will be entering taper mode in the next week or so .

This saturday is the triclub practice tri........should be interesting. I wish I could say I'm psyched but I've been slow to warm-up especially since I know Haewon the triclub coordinator will be hawkeyeing me. No doubt I'm over analyzing things. (ha that's a freaking understatement!!!!!!)
So well see.

Signed,
The trepidatious tri-wanabe

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Putting Along

I haven't run since the race last Sunday. This morning my chest felt tight so I took a couple puffs on the inhaler and decided to go for a run. Since it's Saturday, I headed over to the middle school for a track workout and I did some intervals combining slow running halfway around the track then full speed (hahah) the other half. I did this 4 x's, once I ran hard 3/4's the way and then walked all the way around. I did some stretches on the field, 2 x10 of the silly looking thing where you jump and kick your butt. I finished off the last lap with a slow jog and then headed home. It's been awhile since I did intervals and I was pretty tired. With all the attention on swimming I've lost some of my pep on the run. Balance seems to be a constant challenge.
The three of us are headed to Monterey in a few hours and to tell you the truth I wish it was just T and I. I can't even remember the last time we spent anytime alone together. My mom came over lastnight to house /Brandy sit and at the last minute I asked her to watch M so T and I could go to the movies. Poseidon Adventure wouldn't of been my first pick but the time frame and free passes at the OakTheater prevailed. 90 plus minutes of stress......Not exactly a great date flick.
So, I need to get the show on the road and try to scope a good bike/run option near our motel. I'll be taking full advantage of the pool and try to set up a full brick for Sunday. Have a good weekend and be safe!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Grace and Humility

Today at the pool I shared the 50 yd lane with an older woman ( we chatted later in the locker room and she's 72) She wasn't really swimming, more just floating around working her way down the lane. Sometimes she'd wander into my side of the lane and I'd have to look up every so often to be sure we didn't collide. I was annoyed at first and wished she'd hurry up and go, so I could stay in this particular lane as it was nearest the wall (the slow lane) but I reminded myself that it wasn't long ago that I couldn't swim in a straight line and I still can't during the backstroke.
She wasn't a particulary good swimmer nor was she self conscious about it. She was simply enjoying the freedom of movement in the water. I suddenly felt ashamed for wishing her to go and was struck by her grace and beauty. I was moved by her spirit and her courage to take her place in the 50 yd lane. At one point she was more than halfway down the lane and I caught up with her and we ended up at the same end of the pool and she looked over at me and in her sweet Indian accent said 'You are very fast" I just smiled and shook my head saying "No, I'm not"
Later in the locker room I asked her if she swam there often and she said "Oh yes, everyday!" Then she explained that her doctor recommended it when she started to have back trouble and that it's taken all her pain away. She was so happy and grateful to be able to find relief. I went to work with a better appreciation for the old folks I work with. So often the seniors I work with are so sick and dibilitated it's hard to see them any other way. It was good to spend a little time with that woman at the pool today she reminded me that we have options.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Tired and Missing in Action

I don't think I'm losing momentum but I'm tired. Yesterday, I arrived home to a power outtage. I sat on the couch and I must've nodded off for a bit. I then realized that there was meat in the fridge so I fired up the bbq and got busy. T and M arrived shortly after and we ate. M and I read Junie B. Jones outloud for awhile and then I went to bed, it was probably around 8 pm. I woke up around 2 am and noticed the light in the hallway was on. I got up checked my e-mail/blog and went back to bed.
Sometime between dinner and going to bed I got a call from the triclub coordinator wondering where I've been. I've missed the last 4 group workouts excepting the 1st tuesday night strokes mechanics class, the 2nd was cancelled and I skipped lastnights. I've been content doing my own thing (fortunately I am disciplined to get out there on my own) and to be completely honest have preferred it this way. I guess I'm just not a team player, in fact when I think about it most of my leisure pursuits are solitairy. I thought training with a group would be fun and sometimes it was but sometimes not so much.
I think that when it came to swimming my insecurities really took the lead along with my impatience with the process. I was frustrated and not too much fun to be around. To tell you the truth, I think I was doing them folks a favor by staying away. That first open water swim really shook me up and I knew I needed to turn it around fast or else I'd probably never go back.
It's just the way I tackle things. I tend to withdraw, seek out one or two trusted allies and then I work it out. I did what I had to do and perhaps in the process alienated myself from the group.
So why do I feel guilty? Guilty for not putting it all out there? Guilty for not being willing to struggle in public? Guilty for avoiding some challenging workouts, namely two open water swims one in the bay and another at nasty Lake Anza?
The group meets on weds nights (and sat mornings) and since (A) I HATE working out in the evenings and (B) I have weds days off, it was a no brainer that I'd opt to skip it in favor of an earlier workout.
So, on the phone with the coordinator I said basically to her what I'm writing here also mentioning that at times I found it hard training with a group and not letting what was suppose to be a training session turn into a competition. Now to me this makes perfect sense but I don't think she got it. I suppose I came across as a bit odd and standoffish (which is not me at all!) I'm actually quite friendly and adequately outgoing. However between several schedule conflicts and not really clicking with anyone in this group, the group trainings haven't been much of a priority for me. No big deal.
Today I worked so I can have friday off, as we're going out of town for Memorial Day weekend. ( the first time EVER!!) I did go for a decent ride at luchtime, I discovered that the Iron Horse trail goes from Concord to Pacheco and back through to Pleasant Hill, a descent 40 minute ride with some mild headwinds.
So wrapping things up with the coordinator, I assured her all was well and that I'd be present for next weeks meetings, wed will be a meeting on race mangement and on sat 6/3 will be the triclub practice triathlon at Lake Anza (groan) which I hear is actually tougher than the tri4fun event. She said she'd call again if I didn't show and that if I made it to (through?) the practice tri she'd feel okay if I couldn't get to the grp. mtgs preceeding the tri4fun event on 6/17. I'm sure she just needs some evidence that I'm not gonna die or something out there on race day.
Overall, I'm quite pleased with my training. I'm a bit tired and looking forward to some down time soon. I've worked extremely hard on my swimming and I LOVE swimming in pools!! I'm very fortunate to work and live near some nice ones too! I feel good about the progress I've made. The practice tri coming up will be my first group swim since Shadow Cliff. I know it will go better even if I'm still last, I know I'm a better swimmer now.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Bay to Breakers

Sorry Jeff, I couldn't resist! Posted by Picasa

Bay to Breakers

This is M and I after the race. What a goofy day! I finished the 7.45 mile course in 1:17:50.
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Saturday, May 20, 2006

Turning the Corner

The extra time in the pool has finally begun to pay off. I'm sore from using new muscles, in my forearms and shoulders, which I take as a good sign that I'm beginning to develope a stroke and not just thrashing about.

I'm embarassed by how frustrated I was with swimming just a week ago. Cali was uncomfortabe in the lake too, and it finally occurred to me that what I'm attempting to do is kinda hard. I mean I always assume things are HARDER for me, that it comes easier to most. I had no faith that I would ever "turn the corner." Friends like she and Mia have been instrumental in boosting my confidence and pointing out my strengths.

The breathing really only kicked in this past week. I'm more relaxed and breathing mostly on my right side, but I did practice breathing on my left side with some improvement today. Now that I'm comfortable with the breathing I'm starting to be able to fine tune other things.

Todays practice at Shadow Cliff went pretty good. I alternated between freestyle, back stroke and breast stroke 100 yards x3 gradually incrementally increasing the freestyle. The water is getting warmer. I was much more relaxed in the lake, though bottom line, I don't enjoy swimming in this particular lake, what can i say?, I prefer a clean predictable environment.
While there isn't the fear of sharks or jellies, duck poop is pretty scary too!

I swam for 45 minutes and while M and Cali continued to swim, I rode the bike 10 miles in 35 minutes. Afterwards we ate lunch and took Cali home. The drive home was a little long and at the last minute we decided to swim again at Strawberry. M and Tom are at the movies and I'm wondering where my cool slippery black shorts are for tomorrows race.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

yeah i'ma swimmer now!

keb moe a favorite singer of mine does a version of "flat foot floogie" at the end of the song a woman sings as sassy as you can, "yeah im'a singer now (prounounced like naa)!" you know it? met with coach cali this morning and she say's my technique is great ( i don't entirely agree, but i am improving!) now i need to focus on endurance and speed. she and i are going to the lake this saturday ( are you free to join us mia?) she also gave me some tips on my breaststroke and showed me how to tread water while moving forward! guh!! who knew??
she also mentioned that there are alternatives to keeping warm besides a wetsuit. there are fullbody swimsuits, long sleeved shirts and tights..i'm interested in the top for sure, you can go from one discipline to another in them too, so no need to wrangle out of wet gear.worth a look into at least. this is the most excited i've been after a swim EVER!!!!!!!!!

today is so nice i'm gonna pick M up early and head for her favorite place to swim Strawberry Canyon.
btw M did 15 laps run/walk on monday and 12 run/walk tues. i noticed pen marks all over the top of her hand and that's how they keep track of the number of laps. the program is for two weeks everyday at recess. the goal is 90 laps and then the kids get an ice cream party!
hey, whatever works i say!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

My Girl

anyone who has spent time with m and i know we have an intense relationship. words like peacful or cooperative seldom desrcibe our efforts. struggle and chaos are regulars at casa de taylor. we have our share drama, feelings get hurt unkinds words get said and some days i question my ability to be a good mother. i am overwhelmed by the demands and all that is required to raise this intelligent, passionate, strong willed child.
then a day like yesterday comes along and i'm reminded of the gift she is and what a joy it is to ride this rollercoaster together.

in the world of girl scouting, yesterdays golden gate bridge event was a huge deal. girls from all over the country travel to san francisco to walk across the golden gate bridge , a symbolic bridging ceremony to comemorate moving up from juniors to cadettes or "older girls" as they are called now. normally m is not a much of a hiker. it's often a hassle getting her to agree to go for walk . the trek to the bridge was no different.

the girls couldn't of asked for a nicer day, sunny but not too hot , a little on the windy side, but clear blue skies made for spectacular views. from chrissy fields the girls wound their way towards the bridge. m and i near the back. she was not a happy camper. i braced myself for inevitable complaints and assumed the role of cheerleader mom. with each step she grew more sullen, nor did she appreciate my "you can do it" coaxing. but she wouldn't let go of my hand. we'd stop along the way to gaze at the amazing view and take pictures, this seemed to take the edge off because m was actually smiling . she started to perk up and sheepishly grinned at me saying "it's not so bad mama". you have no idea what a breakthrough that was for her and for us.

we arrived on deck to begin the walk across the bridge with m on the inside. while she kept asking "are we over the ocean" yet she seemed a little fearful of looking down to see for herself. i'd say "not yet, almost there" until finally, we were over the water. m has a dark sense of humor for a ten year old and started edging towards the railing of the bridge peeked over and said, "no, mommy because if you jumped from here you'd missed the water completely" she loves shocking me like that, i just yanked on her hand and scooted her back on the inside, she howled for 5 minutes.

SWAP's (special watchmacallits affectionately pinned) are a girlscout tradition, during the crossing the girls would run into other troops and swap, the theme in the san francisco bay area is "save the bay" and the swap was a tiny little zip lock bag with a foam fish and blue hair gel added to look like water, it turned out very cute. so the girls walked and swapped there way across the bridge in about an hour. at one point m and i got seperated from the troop and actually ended up passing everyone and getting to the end first. not sure how that happened considering we were pulling up the rear for the most part. m liked not being last, hmmm remind you of anyone?

many of the other troops took the bus across and walked back, we didn't have enough wrist bands for everyone so opted to all walk together- both ways.....more groans from the girls, not just m! to tell ya the truth my legs were a bit tired from my 7 mile run the day before. our fearless leader worked it out though with one of the event coordinators and after a celebratory toast of sparkling apple cider (the leader forgot a bottle opener, so like any good "party mom" i scanned the parking lot, spotted a friendly looking biker dude and scored a bottle opener!) we were treated to a luxury tour bus ride back across to chrissy fields. we had the whole bus to ourselves and the girls spread out and were totally impressed that it came equipped with a toilet.

i like to think that as i continue to learn how to be what my daughter needs that we will have times where the hard work pays off, where the struggle turns into understanding and where the lessons we are intended to learn are as sweet and simple as "it's not so bad mama"

the other day m showed me a flyer from school , coach natalie is putting together a walk/run program. she put it on the computer desk and i sort've glanced at it, but didn't say anything. she stood there for a minute and then said "you want me to do it huh?" i casually said, without even looking at her, "sure i do, but it's totally up to you" she paused again and then said "i want to do it" so we'll see if she follows through. i will not reveal to her how badly i want her to give this a go, because this i know: she's contrary and she's my girl.

happy mama's day!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

100th Post

new rule, no blogging until after i run.
i'm in a much better mood after this mornings
KILLER ASS WORKOUT!!!
after a solid 30 minute lap session that went better than lastnight i did a 60 minute yoga session. headed home grabbed a balance bar and some gatorade and went for a decent ride from home to grizzly peak. last week i went up centinnel, the ride down is alot funner nor did i dump over! total ride time 60 mins. got home stashed the bike and changed into my keyanos and hit the BART trail from home to el cerritto station and back approx 3 miles. 18 mins out 20 mins back. the legs aren't so jellowy and they could've kept going.

man, bay to breakers is one week away!

the bad news is i stepped up on the scale at the gym and it's not in agreeance with the one at home, a 5 lb. descrepancy! so i'm really 148 but still that's 11 pounds less than the last time i checked.

the good news. i got a new car. a 2005 honda element. it's so cute! will post picture asap.
(i know mia, i can't even freakin believe it!) T totally surprised me.

this is hard

the group is going to swim in lake anza(even colder than shadow cliff) this weekend, luckily for me i have other plans. getting out to shadow cliff with mia last week, was fun, but i didn't really work hard on swimming just got used to being in the green smelly lake. i also rode a flat 12 miles.
lastnights stroke mechanics class focused on TI drills, which i was familiar with, but i was in bad form and was the slowest. i'm having what seems to be performance anxiety issues in the water, kinda like i did when i first started entering running races, the minute i get in the water and have to "perform" i get all tense and can't wait for it to be over. this is so disappointing because i really thought i'd be further along than this by now. of course, i prefer to train alone especially when it comes to swimming ( me and a friend or instructor is fine) i have a real problem with being last all the time.
no, it's not even being last so much as being the poorest swimmer. and it's really annoying when people who can clearly swim well say that they can't. false modesty is not going to help me. i know i know i know i'm being a total grump!
right this very minute i hate swimming.
there i said it.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

One brick at a time

yesterday was suppose to be the groups first solid brick, an 8 mile ride and a 3 mile run. the park was riddled with detour signs and instead of taking note of the route, i just followed the pack. we ended up shortening the route, not sure by how much, but it was compensated by more hills, so all in all it was a pretty solid ride.

the transition from bike to run is getting easier. my legs are a bit confused the first mile, neurons firing to move forward are met with resistance but gradually the message gets through and they get the idea. the shuffle turns into a steady pitter patter and then i'm actually running.

the group workouts are becoming more enjoyable to me.
there are a couple of women that always spur me on to push myself harder. their faster in all disciplines, i usually lose sight of them on the bike course and yesterday they had a fair lead on the run by the time i pulled into T1. the run is the my great equalizer though and i manage to shorten the gap, granted i'm a few yards behind and running just outside of my comfort zone while there looking relaxed and yaking the WHOLE WAY!

talking with a few of the group members afterwards, i was surprised to learn that i wasn't the only one who struggled on last weeks open water swim. people who can actually swim said there were really affected by the cold, some people did the backstroke the whole way. there is another women who couldn't make it lastweek and she's really worried cuz like me she's a weak swimmer and signed up for this event to force herself to take swimming lessons!!

i don't know if i mentioned this before, but last year my daughters swim instructor moved to oklahoma. she became a family friend and spent alot of time with M in and out of the pool. she was like a big sister. M calls her one day last week and she tells us she's coming back to CA. M mentioned my tri aspirations and she's totally stoked about giving me lessons.

the foundation has been laid and with one brick at a time this house is gonna be built.

Friday, May 05, 2006

In doing comes understanding

The title of this entry is about as profound as it gets from here on, but occasionally i have an "AHA moment."
This morning during my bike ride on busy Gilman (necessary to access the less busy hills of El Cerritto), it occured to me why cyclist wear all that wild looking gear.......not merely to look cool but to be SEEN. I have a fairly bright red top i like to wear on rides, but I'm having thoughts of trying out something along the lines of what i see out there on the roads ( so long as i don't resemble a sausage!). Twice this morning I nearly got ran over. One guy hedging his way aggressively onto Gilman and then a woman yaking on her cell, doesn't even look to her left and only see's me after i yell "HEY! HEY! HEY!

the doing i refer to in my title had more to do with shifting downhill, namely you gotta keep pedaling when your flying downhill to shift into harder gears to maintain momentum. no doubt this sounds dumb and obvious to you experts but for a rookie when the voice of expertise actually whispers helpful instruction like this while your out there training on your own, it's pretty cool.

another aha moment occured last week when after a victorious ascent up to Inspiration Point, the reward of flying back down the hill, in the middle of the road and NOT staying to the right of the road so cars could pass (narrow road and not too terribly busy), this sort've bike behavior used to infuriate me as a motorist. i realize now at that speed it's dangerous to get too close to the edge of the road.

yesterday while headed home down Fish Ranch Road, i came upon a cyclist in the middle of the road and a huge grin spread across my face. i was totally happy for him, cuz i new he busted his ass to get where his was. i knew the rush his was having and instead of being annoyed i was a little envious! how's that for some bike love!!

cycle on ya'all and be safe!!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Down 14 pounds?

i've been getting alot comments on my weight lately. at the easter get together family who hadn't seen me in awhile were really rocked. at work too, one co-worker commented that every time she sees me i look thinner. i have upped the ante in the training dept. so no doubt it's starting to pay off, i just hadn't stepped on a scale for awhile. i'm still a little dubious though, i pulled out the scale at home, set the dial to zeroe and placed on it a brand new unopened 5 lb. bag of flour and it read 5 lbs. exactly, so i stepped on it myself and to my surprise: 143 lbs!!
does this mean i moving out of the athena household? it's still a high number for my 5 foot barely 3 inch frame ( though i am pretty muscular) and i know i should get on a real sliding scale at the gym, but for now i'll bask in this for awhile.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Turning it around

today i was able squeeze in a swim at lunch.
the best way to get back in the saddle: remove all unfriendly conditions, replace with ideal (near perfect) ones and voila your back on track.
with temps in the mid 80's, a pristine olympic size pool and a lane all to myself, i swam for 30 minutes. my plan is to do this often and to buy a punch pass (1 month unlimited use for $60.00)
i stayed on the shallow end and alternated between freestyle and breast stroke. it's tiring and i can only do one lap w/o stopping and i take long breaks. this was my baby step to get back on track, it was only 8 laps but i loved every minute of it and that's worth everything to me right now. who knows, maybe by the end of the summer i'll be swimming in the big girl lane!

i want to be a stronger person, i want to deal with adversity better, i want to be less afraid, i want to rise above myself and see for the first time a real change.
when i look back on the initial impetus to start exercising, my first thought was weight loss "alright, it's a start".......then came the aquisition of new skills........"yeah okay were on to something", but now looking fear dead in the eye i see the real deal, i see the what i've come to learn (am still learning) taking the good with the bad seems too simplistic, riding out the dark low places and rising above stronger and clearer that's what i want.

i'll get there, albeit in the slow lane, i will get there!

Monday, May 01, 2006

Snap out of it!

okay, enough wallowing in the past.
time to move on and see what i can do improve the situation.

the upside:
-my first open water swim is over!
-i managed to finish the swim without needing to be rescued!
-i didn't quit!
-i've got some time to make improvements.
-nothing to fear but fear itself, corny but oh so true.
-i'm playing my edges, getting outside my comfort zone and that's always a good way to grow

for the record:

it was a rather stressful and busy weekend with getting M off to camp and settled, going back and forth between camp, training w/tri-club and back to camp!
......this is me trying to give myself a break loubob!

last place is a starting point, thanks for that susie!

and thanks mia for offering sound advice and moral support.


i'm scared but i'm not a quitter.

Head Games

I'd like to say that I'm feeling better but I'm not.
I'd like to say that my resolve is stronger than ever and that I'm still excited about this latest challenge, but I'm not. The truth is I'm afraid.
I afraid of coming in last, I'm afraid of looking stupid, I'm afraid of putting it out there and getting squashed.
Following saturdays debaucle, it left me wondering why the hell I started this in the first place. I'd quit, if I didn't care about being regarded as a quitter. What would that say to my daughter?
This is not how I should be feeling 6 weeks before the race.
There's no turning back, I just have to suck it up and give it my best shot.

My legs are sore from yestersay's short trail run. I noticed a new pain in my right foot, tender when pressed but nothing significant or interfering with the run. I've always liked a bit of soreness that accompanies working out, it makes me feel strong and like I'm making progress.
Some pain however is NOT indicative of progress.

I haven't put in the time or attention to swimming like I know I should. I believed until saturday, that I'd be okay just "getting out of the water alive", that efficiency and stroke mechanincs didn't really matter (I've been mostly focusing on position) but I was lying to myself to avoid doing the hard work.

The hardwork of looking at my limited ability to grasp technical concepts and to actually learn. It's the same with running, as long as it's loose and not too structured great, but as soon as it get's too technical I lose interest. Not exactly triathlete material people. Tri-geeks are highly knowledgable and organized. I prefer a more random approach.

I knew swimming would be a challenge, I just underestimated to what degree, the goal was never to swim fast, just to move forward in the water. I never anticipated freezing up in the open water swim, like I did on saturday. I'm trying to see this as a learning experience but there's another part of me that's thinking I bit off more than I can chew.