Saturday, April 14, 2007

let the mind games begin

i've been feeling somewhat disconnected from my running lately. since deciding to run a marathon in october i've been base building in preparation for the actual marathon schedule to begin in may. 5 weeks into it running has started to feel more like a job than a passion........and it has me a little worried.

since uping my weekly mileage i've begun to notice a sense of dread preceding my near daily runs. perhaps going from 3-4 to 6 days a week was a bit much. i've been careful to stick with the plan....averaging 25 miles a week...this week started off strong but by thursday i was just too tired and i've taken the last 2 days off. it's gray and cool outside now and i'm torn between going for a run or tackling M's room to get ready to paint. no reason i can't do both i suppose. 4 is on the schedule but i should double it and go shorter tomorrow as i have a party to attend at noon.

i'm not the most sociable runner. i prefer to be alone with my thoughts, running my own pace. this has worked well for me up to now. lately i've been feeling kinda... i don't know...isolated. like i don't really know what i'm doing. i don't see myself training in a group. but i can appreciate the benefits of not going at it alone.

so i think what's going on here ...doubt is rearing it's ugly's subtly picking at me. instead of ignoring like i've tried to i think i need to look it in the eye and acknowledge it. yes, i have my doubts. yes, i have concerns . yes, i wonder if i can put in the training. yes, i wonder if i can go the distance.

i've been afraid to admit any of this. but i think i'm okay with it. the thing i've feared most about my decision to go long this year was switching from a free spirited trail runner to a more focused disciplined runner. i've been happy with my gradual progress over this past 2 years. but in the back of my mind i wonder will going long turn my joy of running into a chore?

i'm still sorting all these feelings out. i haven't run in 2 i'm probably feeling more insecure than usual. this is also a reminder that the mental aspects of training are just has important as putting in the miles. attitude is everything.

time to go adjust mine now!