Saturday, November 25, 2006

Blogging for myself

lately i've been wrestling with a few things. things that are personal and not so easy to think about much less write about. this blog was initially a place to record my attempts at running. a place to record my efforts and get some feedback from others who happened upon my site. like the running, the need to write has evolved too. the need to "get out" the thoughts bottled up has been growing, yet i've often felt too self conscious to share all of me here.

the holidays do have a tendency to get me in a reflective mood...sometimes good .....sometimes not so good. it was good to get together with folks this week, folks i would otherwise avoid. why? i guess a little goes a long way, and limiting get togethers to once or twice a year suits me fine.

i called my sister in arizona earlier in the week, we have a strained relationship at best. still i feel compelled to keep in touch....despite all of it's one-sidedness. I listened to her complain about my cousins wayward teenager for over an hour. sadly, this was the bulk of our conversation and i didn't feel anymore connected than i did the last time i spoke to her this summer.

while preparing empanadias my brother from utah called my mom on her cell phone and she stepped out onto the deck to talk. later after the call, she passed along his "have a nice thanksgiving".....we're not so close either. my mom has these seperate relationships with each of us. it's always been that way.

as for my husbands family despite their quirks and general oddness...they really seem to enjoy one anothers company and define the meaning of family. M will have a healthier outlook on family gatherings as a result of them too. three hours of intense family time is a small price to pay just for that alone.

so, back to the earlier feelings i've been wrestling with. i've been toying with the idea that maybe there are alternative ways to deal with stress. to say i'm an impatient person would be a gross understatement. i'm generally a fast paced person (except when i run), i want things done yesterday and can not for the life of me understand why hell other people don't get it. needless to say this pace doesn't always serve me well. i butt heads...alot...with everyone.

next week i'm starting an anger management class (AMC).

the only redeeming aspect of this is that NO it wasn't court appointed, i'm doing it under my own volition. i'm tired of being a slave to my emotions and generally pissed off at everyone all the time. i attended the AMC orientation a month ago and the facilitator said a few things that never in my 40 odd years occured to me. she said that anger sometimes can be a manifestation of another feeling all together. the idea that i use anger to express other feelings never really occurred to me. i am intrigued. this concept alone has knocked me off my self righteous high horse.

it's funny because i don't think of myself as an angry person. i am quite capable of finding delight in some really mundane shit. i think a big source of dissatisfaction stems from my current work environment. like the wrong relationship can bring the worst out in a person, my job, it's like that. we need to break up. which is kind've depressing when i think of all the time invested and the reality that i don't have alot of options......none that i can see at this point. i feel stuck, focusing on limiters and not sure where to start making changes. hopefully the next 10 weeks will shed some light on my inner workings and lead to some answers.

i've opted to close the comment box. i have this tendency to rely on the feedback of others to validate my posts. i often feel "jilted" after putting myself out there only to find "0 comments". suffice it to say that "jilted" feeling has distracted me from the real purpose for writing at all. yes, i've been guilty of "comment envy" which is really the last fucking thing i need. insecure? perhaps, i'm just being honest.

closing the comment box is also another way for me to deal with the preoccupation i have for what others think. too often i am overly concerned about appearances and pay less attention to the stuff that counts. i want to be real here. so why not use a private journol? i take some comfort in knowing a few folks out there check-in from time to time..... you know who you are....i want to feel free to write for the sake of writing, making my thoughts public might or might not strike a familiar cord with some of you....either way this blog along with running has become a part of me. it has the potential to be a valubale tool, unfortunately i've let the lack of comments detract from that fact.

i'm sure the time not spent "editing" my posts might lead to more authentic entries. i'm as equally sure that the time not spent "checking" my blog might actually lead to getting a few more productive things done. for starters, a resume.