Saturday, August 05, 2006

Guilt and Love

Being the good dog mommy that I am, I took Brandy for a WALK at Strawberry this morning. We were out for about an hour or so stopping at the bench for a short rest than we scurried back down to the parking lot. As usual she found a mud hole and had a complete spa experience.
When we pulled up to the house as if on cue T was out front with the hose and we tag teamed her into submission while M hustled around back to let her in the back gate and NOT through the house. Poor girl didn't know what hit her...but was happy and tired from the first walk she's had in 9 days...My mom house sat and fed Brandy but is afraid to walk her due to her bad knee and Brandy's pension for darting off.

The concert was good though I must admit I thought the Shaman show 2 years ago was better. Carlos introduced Anthony Hamilton as the opening act and they were really good but overall I wasn't digging the whole experimental acid/fusion like vibe he had going halfway through the show. I'm more fond of his older stuff and I do like many of the contemporary collaborations he's been apart of the past couple of years, but wasn't feeling it too much when things went psychedelic.

I awoke this morning with a headache. Lastnights Margarita and 32 oz Corona most likely to I was dehydrated........not to mention the latenight stop at Apple Bee's....hey I'm still on vacation what can I say!

During the hike with Brandy, I kept having to defend myself from thoughts like:
"You should've got up earlier"
"You shouldn't of had drinks"
"You should be running or doing a brick or SOMETHING!"


Okay, yes it's true I have been in vacation mode for awhile now and I do have my longest race ever coming up in a couple of weeks. I'm ready ....perhaps not it top form but totally ready and capable of finishing both events, so why when I back off for awhile does the head give me shit???

It's a constant struggle trying to make peace with my fondness for mediocrity....I mean what's wrong with not always being in "push hard" mode?
Not a damn thing I tell ya!!!

This afternoon I put in a decent effort at the pool, luckily I was just about done when the jerk arrived. A few weeks back I had slipped into his lane (Med) and he said to me in a rather condescending tone:
"I don't mind sharing a lane, but you need to tow your line" Between the newly imposed parking fee and this jerk, swimming at Strawberry is becoming a pain in the ass. I was livid and jumped out of the lane obviously irritated. Whenever this guy shows up he always asks the lifeguards to put up the slow/medium/fast lane markers and bitches whenever a slower swimmer is in his vicinity. He just sucks!! Today I had the good fortune of getting in some good laps and for awhile had a lane all to myself....Then he showed up. It was time to leave anyways.

So, I didn't mention this before but while we were gone T's mom had another mini stroke and the day after we got home his dad was admitted to the hospital, he's been refusing to eat for the last couple of days and fell once at the new apartment. His mom and dad are going to need to be relocated to another place that can provide more care and supervison. We knew this current placement would be temporary (I did anyways) but I think my husband and his siblings were hoping it would last longer than a month.

All this stuff is just plain sad. These people worked hard their whole lives, well beyond retirement age . They completely bypassed the golden years, never taking that second trip to Hawaii or anywhere for that matter. Never really pursuing anything leisurely. Worked and volunteered until they just couldn't anymore and now watching them steadily deteriorate is just heartbreaking.

My mom is still pretty young herself and despite several orthopedic surgeries she gets around alright and I don't have to "worry" about her just yet. I see this sort've thing at work all the time but it's different when it your own family. I'm not particulary close to my in-laws, their kind but emotionally distant people with a knack for avoiding confrontation or unpleasantness. I know my mother-in-law wrung herself silly when T and I got pregnant long before we married and she and I have had our challenges ....still we've managed over the years and I do love my husband and it's hard to see him go through all this.

Love is such complicated thing sometimes. I have alot to learn still. I know that the more I love myself the more I can love others. I know that when I love myself I can be compassionate and more understanding. I know these things, however I don't believe I've wholeheartedly embraced the concept.
Like perhaps some of you I've struggled with loving myself, accepting myself and it shows in the most awful ways...especially when I'm stressed out. Short indifference with a confused patient, yelling at my kid, pushing my husband too monster can be a real asshole sometimes and the whole idea of unconditional love is beyond my comprehension....but then there are times when the armour and witholding give way...whether it be my own effort or a kind gesture from elsewhere and I am hopeful that I'm not a monster and that I am capable giving with my whole heart....but it's always so short lived and I fear I will always have to work at it.


1 comment:

Anne said...

My heart goes out to you and your husband as you deal with his parents' situation. Sounds like he's an only child, so there are no siblings to share the load. At least it sounds like they have the resources to move into an assisted living facility -- many don't. Probably because they took that second trip to Hawaii or anywhere else for that matter :-)

This is a situation that many of us in the "sandwich generation" are going to have to deal with. My in-laws both died early in my marriage, but how the family dealt with them gave me some pretty firm views of what should happen with my own parents when time comes to have someone else care for them.