Saturday, May 08, 2010

What's a mother to do?

Totally off topic...it appears that in my absence my lame ass blog has been abducted by naughty asian girls who like to post naughty pictures of themselves...whatever.

M is is growing up fast. At the ripe old age of 14 she's rapidly forming strong opinions and views on a wide variety of subjects....none the least of which includes her utter disdain for her given middle name.

truth be told i half get why she feels the way she does.

instead of a name name, i opted to pass along my last name for a couple of reasons.
1. M's dad and i were not married at the time of her birth and while we were an "intact" couple and she has her dad's last name at the time i felt compelled as her unwed mother to include my name on her 1st legal documents. secondly, despite my puerto rican heritage my parents didn't speak spanish. i'm 3rd generation american and for the most part felt disconnected from my cultural roots...until i became a mother. my decision to insert my last name in there was some sort of cultural gesture, a way to remind her of her "puertorican-ness".

as is typical around here M and i can be hanging out, laughing whatever and in an instant things can get intense. M is becoming a young woman and as i mentioned has strong opinions, often misguided and ill-put at times.

last night was one of those nights. somehow the discussion veered off course and before i knew it we were full on feuding over her desire to change her middle name.

i get why she feels this way. with the exception of my mom and occasional face book comments M doesn't really know my side of the family. not for lack of effort i will add. suffice it to say, we're just not close. it's dysfunctional and from an early age i knew to keep my distance. i participate in occasional functions, but still keep my distance.

a year ago my half-sister from my dad's side reached out to me and we had a few visits and calls that ended rather abrubtly when M confided in her that her feelings were hurt because she hadn't accepted her multiple requests to be friends on face book. that bitch texted her a really harsh response that was completely inappropriate for a 13 year old girl. we have never spoke since. that said, among other reasons, because she and M share the same name, M wants to drop it.

i know she's only 14 and while she feels strongly now, there's a good chance she'll have a difference of opinion as an actual adult. i wanted to drop the subject, in fact stated when it was starting to escalate "uhm, why don't we have this argument when your 18? we've got plenty of material to tie us over till then" still, she wouldn't let up and things got ugly.

i guess while a part of me understands her point of view i guess what bothers me the most, is it feels like she's rejecting me. it wasn't just my cunt half-sisters name or our dead beat dads name. it was my name. thinking about it, my mother tended to give her kids family names too. my middle name was after my dad's crazy sister...seriously. physically she was beyond beautiful but a total head case. same for my other half-sister she was named after my mom's eldest sister, perhaps one of the most sadistic people i've ever met. still, i like my name and i don't relate it to a crazy relative. it's MY name.

when the time comes i will support M's decision. no doubt we will continue to be at odds on the topic but as her mother i need to pass on more than a name. ironically, with mothers day coming up i'm not feeling so mom-tastic.

2 comments:

Anne said...

I think your daughter will outgrow this current rage against her given name, which seems to have more to do with her aunt's rejection than her heritage. As you said, she only has to live with it for four more years and then SHE can change it to whatever she wants. The good news is she won't stay 14 either.

GusF_Finkbeiner1209 said...

凡是遇到困擾的問題,不要把它當作可怕的,討厭的,無奈的遭遇,而要把它當作歷練、訓練和幫助。