Monday, May 01, 2006

Head Games

I'd like to say that I'm feeling better but I'm not.
I'd like to say that my resolve is stronger than ever and that I'm still excited about this latest challenge, but I'm not. The truth is I'm afraid.
I afraid of coming in last, I'm afraid of looking stupid, I'm afraid of putting it out there and getting squashed.
Following saturdays debaucle, it left me wondering why the hell I started this in the first place. I'd quit, if I didn't care about being regarded as a quitter. What would that say to my daughter?
This is not how I should be feeling 6 weeks before the race.
There's no turning back, I just have to suck it up and give it my best shot.

My legs are sore from yestersay's short trail run. I noticed a new pain in my right foot, tender when pressed but nothing significant or interfering with the run. I've always liked a bit of soreness that accompanies working out, it makes me feel strong and like I'm making progress.
Some pain however is NOT indicative of progress.

I haven't put in the time or attention to swimming like I know I should. I believed until saturday, that I'd be okay just "getting out of the water alive", that efficiency and stroke mechanincs didn't really matter (I've been mostly focusing on position) but I was lying to myself to avoid doing the hard work.

The hardwork of looking at my limited ability to grasp technical concepts and to actually learn. It's the same with running, as long as it's loose and not too structured great, but as soon as it get's too technical I lose interest. Not exactly triathlete material people. Tri-geeks are highly knowledgable and organized. I prefer a more random approach.

I knew swimming would be a challenge, I just underestimated to what degree, the goal was never to swim fast, just to move forward in the water. I never anticipated freezing up in the open water swim, like I did on saturday. I'm trying to see this as a learning experience but there's another part of me that's thinking I bit off more than I can chew.

4 comments:

jkrunning--Just Keep Running said...

Trust me, your daughter will not care if you come in first or last. She will just be excited to cheer you on. You are demonstrating a lot more by going out there and trying then you would by giving up. Good luck.

LouBob said...

Give yourself a break, it was only your first open water swim. Learn what you can and use what you learn.

susie said...

Chris, I wish I had advice about the swimming. I don't. But I do think you would regret quitting at this point. You can do it--look how far you have come with the running. You go girl. You would hate quitting more than coming in last.

Mia Goddess said...

Deep breaths, hang in there. We're on for Sunday, I'll email you my address and lookit...you can do this. You just need to do it on your terms. You'll get your feet back under you...er, your fins back under you...after this weekend for sure.