well the good news is i didn't drown.
on the drive home from shadow cliff this morning i went through a gamut of feelings about my performance. i'm not proud to admit this but i am not the most positive person all the time.
all i could think was "oh my god, what the fuck was i thinking?"
on the verge of tears, i went over a few dozen reasons why i'm not ready for this event.
i arrived at shadow cliff later than i wanted to, i forgot my bag w/my wallet in it at the campsite
lastnight (M and and her troop are camping at tilden) so, i had to book up there before heading out to meet the triclub in pleasonton. i arrived just as nancy was giving final instructions and before i knew it we were in the water.....let me add....the cold ass water. i would of preferred to of acclimated a bit, i even brought my kickboard to warm-up, but nancy wanted us all to start together and insisted that we forgoe any floatation devices...cuz were not going to be a able to use them in the event.
this is when i got nervous, on the one hand jumping in right away was a good way to get through the initial shock but it was cold and my breathing was all over the place, i was able to freestyle for barely a minute before i was gasping for air, the rest of the "swim" was a combination of dog paddle and backstroke.
at some point nancy said "get your face in the water it will help with calming your breathing." quite honestly, i wanted her to shut the fuck up, and all i could think was along with the absence of air where the hell was the strength in my arms, they felt so weak. the cold affected me in ways i never thought of. the idea of an elongated freestyle stroke seemed impossible and my pull was totally gone.
i also think i don't respond well to being pushed too hard, at least not by people i haven't connected with in a positive way yet. nancy( one of the triclub coaches) is a bit of a bulldog and she never remembers my name, before she offered the earlier face in the water = better breathing tip, she asked me the usual "what's your name again?"
it's just my insecure bullshit creeping in. i know this about myself. i just need to build myself back up somehow. i've got a little over a month to work things out in the water, i definitely need to go back to shadow cliff as many times as possible before 6/17.
and oh yes, i was dead last.