Hump Day

last week, M witnessed a rather vicious school yard fight involving 5 girls. the fight apparently was over a boy. the end result was pretty ugly, and M was obviously shook up. just this morning on the early show there was a segment on Mean Girls...a girl fight in the bathroom was captured on video and shown on YOU TUBE. the intensity in which the girl attacked the other was disturbing...even more scary was the fact that the girls barely knew each other.

i remember being the new kid and being singled out by bullies. i have no fond memories of the 6th grade. luckily things did turn around and i was never a victim again, but i have strong sense memories of that kind of fear and i know it's causing me anguish beyond what it should now as i watch my girl struggle to find her place in middle school. she has a group she hangs out with at lunch, girls a grade up that she knew from her grammar school so it's good there, she has friends. she's just having trouble with a couple girls in her class.

kids in our school district come from all walks of life, you've got the privileged berkeley hill kids, the urban kids and then the middle of the road kids. M has had her first taste of snobbery. girls interrogating her about where she shops, if her parents are college educated, even questioned about how many levels her house is. for the first time she is experiencing social and class distinction and it's really doing a number on her confidence. we're hardly well off nor are we poor, we have a modest home in west berkeley, a desirable address but by no means lavish or stately.

M's 12th birthday is coming up and she doesn't want to have home party...i think she's embarrassed about our lack of stateliness to tell you the truth. i'm a little sad, we always had so much fun decorating and planning her parties at home. bleh! i think i'm just in mourning over the loss of my little girl and terrified of what lies ahead. ok, enough mama drama!

we got a bit moisture dumped on us last night and i could not be happier. the gunked up trail will help me keep to a slow start on saturday. only the first few miles is out in the open, much of the course is canopied so unless it gets really wet in the next few day's trail conditions should be ok. there is one slightly steep AND rocky section that could get treacherous, but i take my time on that section anyway. ok, off i go to bang out a little 4 miler before heading to work.

Because I'm the Mom

Dear M,

i will alway's feel guilty for the lack of sit down meals in our home

i will alway's have a pain in my heart for all my shortcomings and my lack patience

i will alway's want to beat the crap out of those snotty little bitches at school.

i will alway's want to protect you from the mean girls.

i will alway's worry about you, holding my breath that we'll get through this current "phase"

is there anything harder than being a parent? it's like holding a giant magnifying glass up to one's own flaws and imperfections.

i wish i felt more joy and less angst about parenting you right now. i wish i was the solid rock you need. i want so much to have the right advice, enough patience, the ability to stay neutral when every fiber of my being wants to scream. it's been a rough year and middle school hasn't exactly been a smooth transition.

i really need to get through this weekend and focus more on my parenting skills.

Last Long Run

i'm getting ready to go. i just wanted to capture a few of my thoughts before heading out for a twelve miler in tilden. i was looking at my galloway book last night and studying the walk break section. the 5 run 1 walk method seems smart i've played with variations and have found it helpful but i have to tweek it on my trails runs due to the hills. i have put in a good amount of hill training. i'd say overall this has been my strength. my plan is to apply the 5:1 method where i can and to walk most of the hills.

as i mentioned most of my training has been on hilly terrain, not always trail terrain but my neighborhood and that surrounding. as mia aptly put it "girlfriend has her work cut out for her" and work is what i'll do, but i'll also remember to take in all that is unique about this race.


it's my first marathon

it spans some of the loveliest trail systems in the bay area

while my training in the last couple of months lost some momentum, thus far i've accomplished what i set out to do. physically and mentally i'm ready to take on 26.2

i really have come a long way.


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it was questionable whether or not i should of taken Brandy with me on this run. i decided to take her on account of all the walking i planned on doing. we got a late start and i decided to walk ALL hills. this meant very little actual running for the first 2 miles.

by the time we reached the first point vista on seaview i was feeling really fresh still. this walking tactic was paying off in huge dividends so far. i trotted down at a good clip and got to my next climb pretty quickly. more walking not to mention hydrating me and the dog. we'd already crossed two roads so far and i decided to cut the run a tad bit short(.5) to avoid having to re harness brandy to cross another road.

brandy would plop herself down in a shady spot from time to time or just lag behind which meant quite a bit of backtracking and running in place for me.

by the time we reached the home stretch she was really pooped and i just had to wait for her to get going this resulted in a looooooong almost 12 miler some 3 hrs plus.

she was toast by the end of the curran trail and layed prone with her nose buried in the water dish. eliciting lots of "oooh's tired pup!" and "poor baby" from passerby's. i think i pushed her too far but nothing a good nap and extra kibble won't fix.

so that's it for long training runs. now if i can just keep race day adreneline at bay and keep to my walking stratedgy i think i'll be alright. i don't really have any time goal for this race. if i could break 6 hours that would be alright by me, but i don't think that's in the cards. i didn't train for that but i have worked hard to get where i am and irregardless i've pushed through some tough barriers and am looking forward to a great day at the races.

Golden Hills Marathon
my bib# is 548

Brick

last week started out so well and then M was home for 2 days sick and T was out of town and well my lazy ass just doesn't need much to go into sloth mode. i missed 2 runs and i had to work yesterday. today's 12 miler turned into a brick work-out instead: 10 trail miles plus 3 more on the mountain bike. riding was actually harder then running . i had to walk most of the steep stuff but what goes up must come down and i love me some fast downhill.

this bay area weather keeps me guessing as to what race day will be like. out on seaview today, this section is some of the most exposed part of the route and it was warm at 9 am. i used my camelbak and i think i'll be going with it and a handheld on race day. the handheld used to bother me because my hand got so slippery but a bandana wrapped around it helps.

soooooooooo, since i've been in taper mode since like july...i'm not even going to stress. my stratedgy is pretty simple.
take walk breaks early and often.
gels every 4 miles
drink a little allot
have fun...and don't break anything

when i'm feeling low and struggling i'll remember these pearls of wisdom i came across once in a race report..."fun doesn't have to be fun to be fun"

All is well

on sunday i met Mia and we scoped out on our bikes (illegally in some parts i might add)the last 6 miles of the course...actually the last 4, we didn't get as far due to time constraints. it is as beautiful and gruelling as the rest of the course.

today i got up extra early and had a really good run at Tilden. i added a coffee extract packet to my coffee before heading out, i picked it up at some race i volunteered at earlier in the year. i really got the engines going, and i know that i will NOT be using anything like that early in a run or race as it is really intended to revive the dead....i was too amped up and had to work hard at slowing down in the beginning.

i was committed to 6 miles but flirted with 8 in the back of mind. things were feeling really good still as i approached mile 6 but due to time constraints i opted to head towards Lake Anza rather than a 3rd lap that would've stretched it out to 9+ miles instead. everything about this run served to remind me that i am a trail runner.

this route has some pretty rugged sections, you really need to watch your footing or your liable to go flying face first . i tripped once but recovered without incident. i did get a tinge of guilt though for not spending enough time on trails. i ran into one of my triclub mates from last year, Carlo and we chatted for a bit, it was nice to see him again.

the signs of fall are here. i felt soooooo good out there this morning. the fire has been rekindled. i was telling Mia i was anxious for this race to be behind me. the amount of time and effort required to get ready for this race has been more daunting than i expected. both sundays excursion and today's run reminded me why i was drawn to this race. i feel alive and whole and free on the trail. i am strong and powerful and most of all happy.

i knew i would have to really hustle at work to make up for the time off this morning but it was worth it just for this feeling of renewal and excitement for my race.

we'll see

it's a little past 6 am and i can hear the soft pelt of rain. i have choked down my oatmeal and am dressed. batteries are charged, new tunes added to my ipod. there shouldn't be any technical issues. we'll see.

i can't think too hard about the distance i'm about to cover, but i have to cover at least 22 miles. this will be my last long run and my last chance to find out what 26.2 feels like before race day. we'll see.

the rain is starting to pick-up and instead of dread i feel relief. rain is better than heat...but not too much. we'll see.

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The Run.

i did a loopy loop at Tilden that resulted in 20 muddy trail miles in 5:05 hrs.

i've been overdue for a long trail run. most of my longer runs have been on flat roads. Tilden has a good balance of flat and hills. i started out at Lone Oak (the race start) the soft rain i mentioned earlier was just enough to turn the topsoil all sticky and the clay clumps made me feel like i was wearing wedgies. i found a small sturdy stick and held onto it so i could scrape off the shoe goo periodically.

the short but slow section was a blessing in disguise. it forced me to go out REAL SLOW.

taking walk breaks early and often has made it possible for me to work this course, otherwise it would chew me up and spit me out.

the mud wedgies eventually gave way to the paved surface and gravely side trails of Nimitz trail. the rain slowly began to build...causing me to eventually pull on my rain jacket...i was cold earlier and thought my long sleeves would be too warm under the rain gear. i'd rather be wet than hot. which meant that before putting on said jacket i had to pull off the long sleeve and that meant dicking around with everything in the pouring rain. blah

i have a bad habit of not zipping my pack after fishing out a Gu or whatever. it's how i lost my car key at Briones. well around mile 16 after first only noticing that my lip balm was gone, that i sort've remembered my phone being in the pack.....and then at mille 16 it wasn't.

it's times like these that i know i'll be the one with Alzheimer's. i just blank and can't remember shit like "did i or did i not have my phone?" i was rushed this morning when i got to the trail head i went to porta potty back to my car . i just got a new phone last week at wanted to see if i would get a signal. i did and after that i couldn't remember if i returned the phone to my pack or if i tossed it in my gym in the back of the car.

i had another 4 miles back to my car. the thought of retracing my steps was out of the question. oh yeah, did i mention i was kinda hurting at this point. in my haste this morning i forgot to throw advil in my pack. this run is sucking big time right about now. compounded further as i kicked my own ass over the next 4 miles not being able to remember WTF did with my phone.

there is a silver lining however. this long run is officially ending at 20 miles.because if the phone is not in my car i have to get home and deal that bullshit OR if it's by some small miracle in my car after all, i'm still not going any further because i'm hurting like hell . legs just too achy and heavy, not to mention just mentally wiped out.

on the way to the car a small flicker of hope crept in and i wondered if maybe someone would find it and do the right thing. however, this was no match for the dominant darker thought that it was gone. besides, i already used up that luck with catra on mission peak earlier this spring, when i dropped my phone on the trail and her friend found it. what's the chance of me getting that lucky twice? i then wondered if it had insurance and if i should go to the phone guy on solano myself and not even tell T...just to spare him from more of my scatterbrainess...all these thoughts whirling in my head those last few fucking miles. blah blah

so i could live with only 20 miles (that just sounds absurd) i was dead on tired, in pain and in a hurry...not that you could tell. my mind was racing but my legs were in death march mode. i could not stand it, i just wanted to get to car.

as i approached Little Farm, the car wasn't too far off and this was as it turned out to be a bad thing. i had to walk away today with at least 20:22-26.2 miles and by the time i reached the car it was only 19:25. aaaarg. i had to run past the car and loop again to cover 20 miles. geesh, talk about a being screwed with body,mind and spirit.

i rip off my pack the key is attached to the keyring. i learned that lesson the hardway, and unlocked then re-locked the door...goddammitsonofabit....i finally get it opened and tear through the everything to no avail. i start to hyperventilate and have to sit down.

this has been one sorry ass year for me as far a losing and having to replace stuff. after a couple of minutes my breathing slows and yell out at the top of lungs fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!! now before you judge me too harshly over the outburst, like i said i've had some rotten luck and combined with my own stupidity and an early signs of dementia it ain't been easy or cheap being me!

driving home in dread as i have to tell T i've lost my brand new phone. he's never as mad as he could be he's always really good natured ...i just was mad at myself for being so careless...again. i pull up to the driveway and i sit for another minute before entering the house. i am greeted by M, who is telling me in a teasing tone, mommy lost her phone, mommy lost her phone....ihuh? then it dawns on me that someone has found the phone and called and is DOING THE RIGHT THING. corny as it sounds it just renewed my faith in humanity.

we played a little phone tag but then about an hour or so later I was standing on her doorway. part of the lesson today was intent on reminding me to slow down. first a guy answered the door then he went back inside and i waited on the porch for what seemed a long time before the gal that called came to the door, we chatted a few minutes and she was still holding my phone, 2 Gu's and my lip balm ...i actually reached out before she handed it over...not my most gracious moment for sure despite a profusion of thanks you's before during and after!

then it was off to the mall. if ever there was day that i did not feel like being on my feet at the mall it was today. but i promised M and because of my covert rendezvous with Mia WITHOUT OUR CHILDREN (we[re gonna check out the race finish and find that last 6 mile section from reverse on our bikes...woohoo! but then again the title of this post is "we'll see" right? not sure how peppy i'll be)i wasn't getting out of it.

after bra shopping and manicures, M shopped and i searched for the next place to sit. i was sitting on chair in the food court, a prime seat i would soon discover. it's across from Claire's ...my very least favorite mall store, M takes forever in there. an elderly man asked me if i was leaving. "uh, no i just sat down" he then tells me this is his seat and he sits here everyday to people watch. he wasn't rude about it. i could just tell he really liked this particular seat so i just moved to the one across from him and we chatted about kids these day's, babies having babies, what a shame it is, kids with nothing to do roaming the malls....he seemed sweet enough and it was no big deal to move...ironic ...but no big deal. deferring to elders is a my life. at 6pm i dragged M out of 21 Forever and we headed home.

i figure 20 miles followed up with a trip to the mall, i put in the required time on my feet today. pardon the poor grammar it's late and i have to get up again in like 5 hours, oh gawd.

Truth

the past couple of months have been ...for lack of a better term...surreal. you know i've got this little race coming up in less than a month and i really should be freaking out about the fact that i've been so lax but i'm not. if anything i've become less interested.

bella commented on yesterday's post and i think she totally nailed the cause of my malaise: lack of cross training. i think as much i like running i burned my self out early on during base training. for awhile i swimming then that grew problematic logistically and i've really only ran all summer.

nevertheless, i'm looking forward to see what day will bring. i will LOVE being out there. eastbay regional trail offers some of the finest trail running in the state and while i may not be in top form i'm ready to give it shot and just enjoy putting in a good effort.

hopefully i'll get a chance to meet olga, she has been such an inspiration to me. she is the very essence of perseverance.

i'm just gonna do my best and have fun out there. it's liberating not to be stressing too much. though i still need to check out the last 6 miles of the route and there is a little fear now that i've been stung the last 2 times along the huckleberry section.

oh well come what may. it's definitely going to be an interesting not to mention long ass day!